It’s 9:00 PM. Your bedtime reminder goes off on your phone, and you know it's time. You close your computer, clean up the kitchen, and get to it. Because tonight, you’re doing it. You’re committing to sleep hygiene!

You put your phone on DND, start your skincare routine, and pull on your softest, coziest PJs. Maybe you light a candle, spray some calming sleep mist, and open the book you’ve been telling yourself you'll read for the past three months. By 10 PM, you’re in bed and honestly, feeling kind of proud of yourself.

Fast-forward a few hours: It’s 12:30 AM, and you’re wide awake, scrolling TikTok. Somehow, you’ve ended up watching a video series about a woman who moved into a haunted doll museum in Kentucky, started talking to spirits using a potato, and may or may not now be legally married to a ghost.

And as you scroll, that all-too-familiar feeling rolls in: frustration, shame, maybe even hopelessness.

“I did everything right. Why can’t I just sleep?”

Let’s slow down. Because poor sleep isn’t always about unhelpful habits or too much screen time. Sometimes it’s about understanding your body’s natural rhythms, your nervous system’s sense of safety, and why rest can feel so hard when your brain is wired for survival.

For some, especially those dealing with anxiety, perfectionism, trauma, or just nonstop stress, sleep doesn’t feel simple. Or safe. Or actually restful. It’s more like a trust fall with your nervous system.

And when trust is hard to come by, rest doesn’t magically appear because you lit a candle.

This isn’t because you’re doing something wrong. It’s because your body is smart. It’s been trying to protect you, even while you’re in bed. Because let's think about it: you're most vulnerable when you're technically unconscious.

So let’s talk about what’s actually happening in your sleep cycles, how life experiences can interfere, and how you can build a bedtime routine that helps your body feel safe enough to truly settle down.

What Are Sleep Cycles and Why Do They Matter?

Sleep happens in cycles of about 90 to 110 minutes each, and you go through 4–6 of them per night. Each cycle has four key stages:

1. Stage 1 (Light Sleep): You’re drowsy and easy to wake up. Kind of like that moment right before you realize you fell asleep during the movie... again.

2. Stage 2 (Still Light, but Deeper): Your body starts to relax more, and brain waves begin to slow down.

3. Stage 3 (Deep Sleep): This is your physical repair zone. Muscles, tissues, and immune function do their best work here.

4. REM (Rapid Eye Movement): You're dreaming. Your brain is busy organizing emotions and integrating memories.

If you wake up in the middle of deep sleep or REM, like after a nightmare or out of nowhere, you’ll likely feel groggy, foggy, or like you never even went to bed.

You don’t need to track these stages perfectly. But it helps explain why even a full night’s sleep can leave you feeling unrested, especially if your body never fully shuts down.

So, What Happens When You Wake Up Mid-Cycle?

It depends on when you wake up.

Wake up during stage 1 or 2? You’ll feel like you woke from a nap. Not great, but not the worst.

Wake up during deep sleep or REM? Hello grogginess, irritability, maybe even anxiety. Your brain wasn’t ready to be up yet. This might also help to shed some light for those folks who wake up to an alarm and wonder why they're miserable in the morning. You're very likely waking up withn sleep stages that aren't suitable for wake time, thus disrupting the cycle and in turn, your entire day. But that's gonna have to be another article, so back to the point.

If you wake up mid-stage: Give yourself 15–20 minutes. If you're still wide awake, try:

• Squeezing a weighted stuffed animal (or just a pillow)

• Playing a voicemail from someone you love (or listening to soothing music)

• Drinking a few sips of something warm, like non-caffeinated tea

• Sticking your feet out of the covers (my go-to)

• Doing absolutely nothing. And try being kind to yourself about it. It's OK to just lie there.

The goal isn’t to force sleep. Show your body it’s OK to settle back in when (and if) it feels ready.

How Trauma, Chronic Stress, and Perfectionism Interfere

Here’s what most sleep advice skips over: rest requires safety.

If your body doesn’t feel safe, it won’t let you quiet down. You might mentally want to sleep, but your nervous system is stuck in a state of high alert. That might look like:

• Being totally exhausted but still wide awake

• Waking up at 2 AM with your heart racing

• Having vivid dreams or jolting awake mid-night

• Feeling hyper-aware and wired at bedtime, but drained all day

This is survival mode. Your body is trying to keep you safe and doesn’t realize you’re safe enough now.

If you’re someone who strives for perfection or treats rest like something to "get right,” bedtime might feel more like a performance than actual comfort.

But you’re not failing at rest, so let’s shift the story from “I should be better at this" to "My body is learning how to trust rest again, and that takes time.”

Sleep Hygiene That Actually Helps

Sure, you’ve heard the basics: no caffeine after 2, limit screens, stick to a bedtime. That’s all cool. But when your body feels unsafe, let's ditch rules and focus on regulation, flexibility, and things that say "I'm safe."

1. Shift the Goal: Rest > Sleep

You’re not failing if sleep doesn’t come. You’re practicing rest, which is still progress. Even lying quietly with your eyes closed can help your system de-escalate.

Try a sensory grounding scan:

• What’s something soft in reach?

• What smell makes you feel comforted?

• Can you hear anything steady or soothing?

Little things, like a soft shirt, your favorite lotion, a voice note from a friend, can remind your body that it's OK to power down.

2. Create a Wind-Down Window (Not a Checklist)

Start about 30–60 minutes before bed:

• Dim your lights

• Do something cozy (stretch, shower, journal, skincare)

• Stay away from anything emotionally activating (texts, news, deep convos)

• Add sleep cues: lavender spray, fuzzy socks, quiet music

Make it predictable, not perfect. Your body thrives on signals, not shame.

3. Regulate Before You Rest

If your brain is still going 100 mph, it’s not just going to shut off because you got into bed and put your head down. Try:

• • • Swaying side to side while seated

    • Wrapping yourself in a blanket burrito

    • Tapping your fingertips together rhythmically

    • Holding something warm (a mug, a heating pad, a sleepy pet)

Don’t overthink it. Just offer your body something familiar and cozy.

4. Make Your Bedroom Feel Like an Oasis for Rest

Your room doesn’t need to be Pinterest-perfect. But it giving the sense of emotionally and physically safety would be nice. Try:

• A dim lamp instead of overhead lighting

• A no-tech zone (or at least DND mode)

• Neutral scents: vanilla, cedarwood, clean laundry

• Lowering the temp (most people sleep best in 60–68°F)

• Something comforting in sight: a photo, favorite mug, soft blanket

The vibe should say: "You're safe here. You can stop trying."

5. Middle-of-the-Night Wake-Ups

It’s OK, I promise. If you’re up again at 3:12 AM, try:

• • • Grounding touch: hand on your heart, feet pressing into the bed

    • Repeating a phrase like, "Nothing needs to be solved right now. I will benefit from this rest."

    • Reading something neutral by a soft light

    • Naming textures in your space

    • Letting your body just be, no pressure

If your body feels safe enough to fall back asleep, great. If not, you’ve still protected it from spiraling further. That counts.

What to Do After a Rough Night

Didn’t sleep much? Start small.

• • Let natural light hit your face (curtains open or step outside)

  • Move your body gently (even if it's just stretching your arms)

  • Delay screen time if you can

  • Hydrate with something comforting (water, tea, smoothie, not just coffee)

Let's cease the reliance on fake energy. We're trying to help your body feel supported, naturally.

If You’ve Ever Thought “What’s Wrong With Me?” - This Is For You

So many people walk into therapy wondering why something as basic as sleep is so hard. 

Here’s the truth: You’re not broken. You’re not lazy. You’re not failing life.

You’re a person with a body that’s been trying to protect you. And sometimes that protection looks like hypervigilance at 3 AM.

So no, there is nothing wrong with you. Your body adapted to something, and now you’re gently helping it adapt again, this time to feel safe enough to rest.

The Exhaustion-Sleeplessness Trap

One of the worst feelings is being absolutely drained, like emotionally, physically, spiritually, and still unable to fall sleep. That’s the trap. Exhaustion doesn’t always mean your nervous system is ready to power down. Especially if it’s been running on cortisol and adrenaline all day.

So what do you do?

• Turn on a small lamp and breathe into your belly

• Cuddle something soft

• Put on a low-stakes podcast or TV show you’ve seen a hundred times

• Let yourself rest, even if you don’t sleep

The real goal is to let your body feel safe again. And safety is what makes space for sleep.

This Is a Practice, Not a Performance

Some nights, it’ll work like a charm. You’ll fall asleep easily and wake up feeling like rested royalty. Other nights, you’ll do everything "right" and still be up staring at the ceiling.

That’s OK.

You’re rebuilding a relationship with rest. And that doesn’t come from pressure or shame. It comes from softness, repetition, and tiny signs of safety.

Every time you give your body a safe place to settle down, even if sleep doesn’t show up, you’re still healing. And that counts.

This post is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for therapy or medical advice. If sleep struggles are impacting your health, mood, or functioning, reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

Stay curious, stay informed, stay awesome. ✨